A Tale of a Cursed Closet

A bit of a girly fashion rant today so if you're not in the mood for such blathering, don't read on...

I speak to all the women out there with this ancient cry, this woeful wail, the mystery of the incredible shrinking pants!... I know nearly everyone out there has had this experience, the moment when we realize that our pants, the very pants that so luxiurously fit our lovely curves nay a scant week ago, these pants have been attacked by the sinister shrinking gnome that lurks in our closets, unseen, striking at our most vulnerable hour, when we were just beginning to bask in the glow of fitting into all our "tiny" clothes again. I retrace my steps to a few weeks ago...

The weather had begun to warm and I had courageously tried on last season's spring clothes, trying to not be too optimistic about my chances of fitting into any non-maternity pants, when to my great surprise I found that I could fit into most of my spring pants, and not only could I fit into them standing, but I could still breathe when I sat down, and it was entirely possible that I might even be able to eat a small snack without breaking any seams - amazing! I spent the next two weeks excitedly wearing my spring wardrobe, praising myself for not cowering in my maternity clothes as I did last spring, feeling even slightly optimistic that maybe I could conquer that last little bulge left from the baby. Then came the week that the pants were strangely tight again, and in my wonderful new optimistic haze I decidely thought "water weight", "bloating", "bad indegestion", nothing to worry about. Then came another week of tight pants, and another, and another, repeatedly trying on said pants again, and again, and withstanding long moments of trying to sit in them without breathing and realizing the only snack I could eat in them would be my last gulp of air.

So now here I am, realizing that the evil gnome has struck again - blast you, you little invisible bearded fool, your cunning magic has shrunk my lovely spring wardrobe again and I think 14 months after baby is definitely too late to be re-donning my maternity wardrobe, sigh. This week I finally found a few pairs of new pants that fit me without making me look like a bag lady trying to hide my beer gut but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to wear one style outside - the "gaucho" pants - sooooo extremely comfortable in their knit-ness that doesn't make me have to suck in my magically enlarged gut, but I either look very suave and sophisticated in their flowy-ness or I look like a bad 80's koolats flashback, oh well, best to not wear the keds with these : )

And please, after reading this, don't send the "You're crazy, you're so skinny!" hate mail because while it is true that I have always been naturally skinny I have been 'thickening' just like the rest of us since college, and while my own thickening may have been delayed it is none the less painful when I am donating trunkloads full of clothes to goodwill every other year. Besides, we all have our skinny and fat moments, even those size zero women have them (I hope), and waking up to find you have grown a jelly roll around the middle overnight (yes, I swear, it literally grew overnight) is truly horrifying and leaves you to question everything you have been eating and doing, and not eating and not doing. I am still trying to stay positive and believe it is some sort of side-effect of the new birth control pill I am on, but since it's been three months that's getting harder and harder to prove, so, I'll just resign myself to the fact that my body must just be having a good laugh at my expense and at my upcoming 30-year milestone, hurray, break out the exercise shoes.